February 01, 2004

Baby Shoes, and now this.

I was checking my email, and saw in the sidebar a link to a compendium of stupid celebrity quotes. Spotting the opportunity to waste five minutes of my life, I clicked. And read this:

"There's a sculpture in our bedroom, a solid brass replica of Antonio's manhood. It's very expensive, he gave it to me as a romantic gift."
---- Melanie Griffith

Makes you think, really.

Points to ponder:

Mendacity: You'd think "Antionio Bandares brass penis" would turn up more hits on google, if this story is true. Can it really be that the fetid sewer of our nations's subconscious, or The Internet, has never bubbled up this particular image? There's hope: "Bronze penis" does turn up a couple.

Historical: Speaking of bronzing your penis --- which we indisputably are --- there's a rumor Rudolph Valentio had a silimar item made for Roman Novarro, and that Novarro was later beaten to death with it by two steet hustlers. That he was beaten to death by hustlers is an established fact, there's just a dispute about whether the blunt force trauma was caused by a lead dildo. See? Now you know that. And you can never unknow it.

Psycological: What does it say about a person, if they a) gave someone such a thing, b) wanted to have such a thing, c) would inform the general public that they owned such a thing?

Proceedural: Supposing one were to have such a thing made, it would have to be...well...wouldn't it?

Plaster of Paris apparently takes a half an hour to dry. During the course of drying, it can warm up, causing 2nd degree burns.

So that's out.

Liquid latex requires five to six coats minimum, five to ten minute drying time each, to make a permanent mold which will retain its shape after removal. Nairing and lotion are highly recommened, beforehand, to facillitate the removal of the latex.

Seems unlikely, therefore.

Cythina Plastercaster used dental molds.

A strong possibility.

Craftsmanship: Who one could get to perform the task at first seems quite a puzzle, but perhaps bronzers are more open-minded than I thought; this site does a brisk business in baby shoes, but under the sorbiquet "Unique Items" offers to bronze your memory-filled athletic supporters for $175 and bras (up to 34B) for $262.95. (Athletic supporters? I don't...under what circustances would you...I...never mind.)

Display: This area presents a multitude of possibilties. Okay, it's kept in the bedroom, away from the prying eyes of the casual visitor. But beyond that, where? Nightstand? Dresser top? Closet? Shoved in a corner, or softly-backlit? Up, down, sideways?

Upkeep: Is it dusted bi-weekly by the maid, do you think?

And finally, in conclusion: Oh. My. Fucking. God.

Posted by Diablevert at February 1, 2004 08:53 PM

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